You Cannot Be Serious is ESPN The Magazine‘s satire page. Because, you know, this whole sports thing? It’s meant to be fun!
Chicago Cubs Ivy Salad: Featuring leaves plucked fresh from the outfield wall, this salad is also the only offering in the stadium not drizzled in au jus.
Miami Marlins J.T. Realmuto 3-D Cake: Having ordered tens of thousands of these cakes one week before trading the All-Star, the Marlins are determined not to let the delicious and awe-inspiring tribute go to waste.
Seattle Mariners T-Mobile Peanuts: Ordinary peanuts can be found in any stadium, but only T-Mobile Park serves them in a bag bearing the logo of America’s Fastest Unlimited Network.
Los Angeles Angels Dodger Dog: Until a cease-and-desist letter is filed, the Angels will continue serving up LA’s most iconic ballpark snack.
New York Yankees Ice: $75. No refills.
San Francisco Giants Cotton Candy Chip Implant: Silicon Valley’s techies love this microchip that, when inserted in the base of the neck, simulates the taste and texture of blueberry cotton candy.
Boston Red Sox Pawtucket Pretzel: Recently called up from Boston’s Triple-A affiliate, this five-twist pretzel has excited fans drooling over its size and surprising foot speed.
Philadelphia Phillies Slingshot Dog: It’s neither particularly tasty nor filling, but with the right launch angle fans can hit opposing players from even the upper decks of the stadium.
Cleveland Indians Rosin Powder Fries: Inspired by Cleveland’s stellar pitching rotation, these french fries are coated in rosin sprinkled from game-used bags.
Houston Astros Orbit Burger: These juicy burgers are harvested in their on-site slaughterhouse from the Grade-A meat of Orbit, a species of anthropomorphic alien mascots. Tastes uncannily like ostrich.